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The Pagan Points Purity Test

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  1. Have you had your name legally changed to your craft name?
  2. Does your craft name include the words crystal, moon or light?
  3. Do you use a playboy bunny for your altar image of the Goddess?
  4. Do you use a Chippendale dancer for your altar image of the God?
  5. Have you ever blessed french fries, fried chicken, croissants or other exotic foods in ritual?
  6. Have you ever blessed pop, coffee or other exotic beverages in ritual?
  7. Do you believe that a banana and taco are fine representatives of the great rite on your altar?
  8. Is your chalice a free plastic drink goblet from Las Vegas?
  9. Have you ever used belly button lint as incense?
  10. When you hug a tree, do you insist that the bugs that then crawl into your clothing are the tree 'hugging back'?
  11. Have you ever jumped over a fire nude while screaming 'ooo ooo hot hot!'?
  12. Have you ever jumped over a fire in a fireplace nude?
  13. Is your sacred wand a drink stir-stick?
  14. Have you ever tried to snort powdered incense?
  15. Does your altar image of the God include a dildo?
  16. Does your altar image of the Goddess include 'several points of entry'?
  17. Does your God/dess altar image vibrate?
  18. Do you feel that chocolate flavoured whipped cream is a valid part of the 'Great Rite'?
  19. Have you ever snorted ritual wine out of your nose at a joke someone made in ritual?
  20. Have you ever spit ritual cake out at anyone in ritual?
  21. Have you ever farted during a quiet point in ritual then tried to look innocent?
  22. Have you ever tried to make the Great Rite a group thing?
  23. Do you think that the original 'Great Rite' was actually just a really good ritual?
  24. Have you ever used pyrotechnics (eg fireworks) for effect in ritual?
  25. Have you never done an outdoor ritual because of the 'bugs and icky nature'?
  26. Would you feel some Kentucky fried chicken roasted over the ritual fire was a good and fitting offering to the Gods?
  27. Do you feel that coffee in ritual is a right, not a privilege?
  28. Is your offering plate a plastic frisbee you got as a free promo?
  29. Have you ever made incense from leftover cigarette butts?
  30. Has your incense ever contained psychoactives just to add 'colour' to your ritual?
  31. Do you feel that a peppermint stick is a perfectly normal wand?
  32. Have you ever shown up to work naked and insisted that as a pagan it is your right to do so?
  33. Do you wear so much jewellery that you set off metal detectors from 10 paces away?
  34. Does most of your jewellery involve pentagrams?
  35. Do you feel that wearing full ritual regalia to work (if you do ritual clothed) is perfectly normal (besides at Hallowe'en)?
  36. Have you ever found yourself casting spells on a Friday/Saturday night for lack of anything else to do?
  37. Do you own a pointy hat?
  38. Do you own a broom which is not used for anything but to 'look witchy'?
  39. Do you feel that the 'Chocolate Ritual' is a serious working only to be undertaken when the moon and stars are correct and the planets are in special alignment?
  40. Have you ever burped loudly after drinking wine from the ritual goblet?
  41. Have you ever deliberately spit into the ritual goblet from which everyone else must drink?
  42. Have you ever brought your own grimoire to court to swear on?
  43. Have you ever been seen talking to cats?
  44. If you have been seen talking to cats, do they talk back?
  45. If you talk to cats and they talk back, do you understand them?
  46. Do you think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural Icon?
  47. Do you use 'The Mists of Avalon' as a religious text?
  48. Do you end your phone calls with 'so mote it be'?
  49. Have you ever told a telemarketer that you don't need a long distance service because you've mastered telepathy?
  50. Have you ever conducted a ritual in your bathrobe because you don't have a 'magickal' robe?
  51. Have you ever subbed a kitchen knife for an athame?
  52. Have you ever substituted a letter opener as an athame?
  53. Do you have a 'disk of shadows'?
  54. Have you ever used birthday cake candles in ritual?
  55. Are you unsure what a BOS is since disk of shadows is DOS?
  56. Do you think that spells are the answer to everything wrong in you life?
  57. Do you think that spells are a great way to get a guy/girl to like/love you and don't see what the fuss is all about?
  58. Is your kitchen table also your altar?
  59. Have you ever called the Goddess and God 'Sweet Cheeks' and 'Bubba'?
  60. Is your altar a bumper set on two pieces of concrete?
  61. Do you feel that a TV antenna with foil on the end is a great wand?
  62. Is your main God chant 'Hail to the sun God, he's a real fun God, Ra Ra Ra'?
  63. Do you think witches use wind chimes to promote good 'feng shui'?
  64. Do you think a 'witchball' is only one half of the story?
  65. Do you believe that the term 'book of shadows' is actually the real ancient name for a collection of writings by ancient witches?
  66. Do you think a crone is just a mean old woman?
  67. Have you ever tried to perform the 'great rite' with a tree?
  68. Do you think that there is more magick in your crystal wand/athame/magickal tool than you?
  69. Do you think Gerald Gardner was a landscape architect?
  70. Do you think Doreen Valiente must have had something to do with Valentines day?
  71. Do you think that Sybil Leek was either a plumber or the winning vegetable at the North Wales fall harvest fair?
  72. Do you think that Raymond Buckland was the founder of the Dollar Stores?
  73. Have you ever wondered who that Aradia chick was and what she had to do with witchcraft since she doesn't have any books in print?
  74. Do you think that the Farrars have obviously got something to do with cars?
  75. Have you ever thought that Scott Cunningham was just a really smart pig named Scott?
  76. Do you talk to trees?
  77. If you do talk to trees, do they answer back?
  78. Is everything 'witchy' you own covered in pentacles?
  79. Do you keep your craft tools in a tool belt?
  80. When friends claim to be elves, do you feel it is normal?
  81. Do you own more pentacles than dishes?
  82. Does one of your roasting pans double as an offering dish?
  83. Do you think blessing chocolate Easter eggs at Oimelc is a sacrilege?
  84. When asked to swear on the bible, do you whip out your copy of 'The Witches Bible Compleat'?
  85. Do you correct all the wrong parts when discussing the movie 'The Craft' with your friends?
  86. Have you ever used the deity 'Manon' in ritual?
  87. Do you think that Agrippa is a tool for removing tight glass jar lids?
  88. Do you think divination comes after multiplication but before addition?
  89. Are you at one with the Goddess and all of her creatures but figure that spider must die?
  90. Have you ever been lost in your ritual space/room in a cloud of incense?
  91. Do you think dragons blood comes from real dragons?
  92. Do you invoke the spirit of water before taking a bath or shower?
  93. Do you own a fairy princess wand from Disney?
  94. Have you ever thought that the witches in Disney films are just misunderstood?
  95. Do you ever question the greeting between witches because you thought they were supposed to be vegetarian or wondered what was so merry about steak or pot roast?
  96. At Hallowe'en, do you dress up as a witch?
  97. Are you still looking for that spell to allow you to shoot fire from your fingertips?
  98. Do you think that the most important part of spellcasting is how high you roll on the dice?
  99. Have you ever responded to an entity possessing a friend with 'You just wait til your mother hears what you've done!'?
  100. Are you still asking yourself 'What's wrong with talking to cats?'?

Blessed Be!

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